Birth Imprint- Living with Our Sacred Wound by Tahlulah Gough

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Every time we create something, be it art, craft, building, cooking, dancing, birthing, writing- however we express our creativity.. we are living out our birth imprint.
Our birth imprint is the story of our birth. What happened? Who was there? What was the story around your conception? Were you a surprise? How were you born? What happened after your birth? Were you breast fed? Were you loved? Were you cared for?
The moments during and after birth are our first impressions of this life. What will happen, how are we to   ‘be’ to survive?
As I journeyed into this, and learned more about my birth story and then moved into sacred wound work.. I found that mine were one and the same.
My birth story is my sacred wound.
 
Our sacred wound is a very significant event in our lives, something traumatic, painful, deep… the memory of which informs your instinctual reactions and behaviours from that point onward. For some it is a childhood illness, loss of a loved one early in life, abuse, surgery, living with alcoholism, violence, adoption, being different, bullied – anything you could imagine to be traumatic to a child. And some people have several traumatic events that feel significant, what makes a wound sacred is deciding that it is, and naming it so.
I had other wounds that I could have named my sacred wound, but when I dug further into them, what was underneath was this story of my conception and birth.
Since learning about my birth imprint and sacred wound, I have been living with it consciously everyday, seeing the endless ways in which it presents itself, learning to live with it in a healed way.  To acknowledge it (my instinctual reaction to a situation), send it love, and speak or act from an unwounded place.
I have been feeling lately how deep this is, what a life long work it is, and, at the moment, how it doesn’t get easier.
It is always there, my first feeling in conflict or emotional exchanges, how I expect to be received, the place I go in deep healing work, the place that still needs to be healed.
And yet, it is much easier to navigate a situation with this knowledge than without. Or at least know why I am feeling the way I am, again.
You know that feeling? Why does this always happen to me? Why am I ‘that’ person in this scenario again?
I will share my birth imprint/sacred wound so that you may see how it carries through a life.
I was an unwanted pregnancy, of teen parents, I later learned that they were considering adopting me out initially. So, a pregnancy with much stress, confusion, pressure form parents and society and then finally a teen wedding in a blue dress at nine months pregnant. My birth imprint is of an easy birth, my mother was alone, I came 2 weeks early, and her Mother was out of town thinking she would go over her due date. She was dropped off at the hospital, and put into a room, she did it all alone, they left her all night where she quietly laboured, with some Trilene gas, surprising everyone with a fairly easy quick first birth. Then after the birth, as was standard practice in the 70’s, we were separated with me going to the nursery overnight, presumably given a bottle. They kept me and nurtured me to the best of their ability, gave me all the opportunities they could. 
And, part of me always knew I was unwanted.
How this felt, being alone after my first creative act of being born, I had no feedback from the closeness of my mother that all was well, that I was safe and received, loved.
How this plays out in my creative process now.. creation is easy, enjoyable, magnificent, there is a moment of celebration, and then there is a disconnect, a doubt, a wondering if it’s/I’m ok?
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There is an amazing book by Robyn Furnance, Being Born. In this book she goes over possible birth scenarios, caesarean, forceps, early, late etc. and unwanted, and talks about the ways these births affect the person, how they may react and be in this life.
It took me a long time to read this section, even though I use this book very often in my work. It felt like reading it was accepting the painful truth of being unwanted, that I would have written evidence that I really was unwanted because I felt exactly what was there.
And I did.
An unwanted child has a constant pull of being wanted and then feeling so uncomfortable in that place, does something or behaves in a way that makes them unwanted. This can be conscious or unconscious and has played out in my life in many ways. It does not have to be the actions of myself that create the ‘set up’, and is never usually the intention of the other party to make me feel unwanted, that is just my default reaction to any kind of rejection of myself or something I have done.
I was able to articulate it recently, which put it into perspective for me, why it hurts so deeply when the situation does not seem to be that big of a deal from the outside. The stream of experiences, emotions and feelings that have been deeply ingrained and replayed my whole life are-
love, birth, perfection, completely open, trusting, rejection, unwanted, wrong, alone.
When I feel most open and trusting in a relationship, something occurs that hits straight to the heart of my wound and creates a reaction that may be disproportionate to the actual event. Leaving me wanting to flee the scene and start all over again somewhere else.
What I have taught myself to do is to stay with it, to talk it through and come to an understanding where we feel heard and acknowledged.
The tricky part is if the other party is not up for that kind of exchange straight away. I am yet to master the art of keeping my own stuff to myself to deal with completely. I think because my wounding is being unwanted, I want to make sure that everything is ok and I am still wanted as quickly as possible. I am still working on this (probably forever)!
It is really amazing to think that every single person out there in this world is operating in the same way, reacting from their wound, and very few with consciousness to what is really going on.
And, I think we all know on a cellular, bodily level anyway. I had a knowing from a very young age that I was the product of a union that was not acceptable. What I didn’t know was how that caused me to behave in my everyday reactions from this wounded place.
I have also learned through my work, that no matter what the wound, how big or small, it is still a wound. Everybody has one, we can’t protect our children from having them (unfortunately). All we can do is have love and understanding for those we interact with, that they too are wounded and coming from that place.
And, the wound reveals the cure… there is gold in that wound, that will grow to be your ultimate gifts and offerings in this life.
My sacred wound is always open, always fresh, never a scar. So that I keep tending myself (that little baby) with love and acceptance.
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Each time I have held my new born babes with love and acceptance I have healed the red thread for all my relations..
Talulah x
Talulah Gough is a homebirth mama of four beautiful children and wife of her very supportive man, Cameron, living in Sydney, Australia. She began dancing at the age of 7, and has a practice of dance improvisation that she shares daily. Talulah holds Moon Circle workshops teaching the wisdom of the cycles, and Medicine Drum Making workshops for Women. Moon Circle is also an online e-journey sharing the women’s mysteries with sisters around the world. She supports families during pregnancy and birth as a Doula, and writes her blog Making Sacred sharing her journey and discoveries as Woman, Mother and Shamanic Womancrafter. Find her on Instagram at @makingsacred2 and at  www.makingsacred.com

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